Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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