the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
