Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
