I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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