Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
