He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
