There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
