I must be too annoying 4 u.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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