Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
