The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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