Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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