I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
