I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
