I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Semen is not good for contacts.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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