You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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