I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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