so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
