We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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