Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
