Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
