A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
