Betty ford says i'm here all night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
