Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
