Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
