i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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