I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
