My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
