life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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