My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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