if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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