today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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