There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
