there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
