Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
