I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
