I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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