there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
