when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Houston, we have a squirter
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
