dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
