Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
