I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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