I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
vagina is talking i cant
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
