bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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