Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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