Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
