ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
