if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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