I think I just saw someone hide a body.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
