her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
