Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
